MetaEzra can now confirm that Steve Donahue, The Robert E Gallagher '44 Head Coach of Men's Basketball, will be coaching for the Pennsylvania Quakers next season. Donahue was previously the assistant coach for the Quakers prior to taking the Cornell job in 2000. Reached for an exclusive interview early this morning, Donahue said, "I can't even begin to tell you how pleased I am with this move. Now I can be associated with a real Ivy -- one that doesn't have a business program buried within its Ag School. "Do you have any idea how hard it is to recruit kids to Cornell? Even my best players -- Ryan Wittman, Jeff Foote, Louis Dale -- have been duds in Ivy play. Sure, they can beat Division III Clarkson, but as you saw at Penn earlier this year, it was just choke, choke, choke." Donahue added: "I still don't understand why Cornell needs an Ag School anyway, it's not like people grow stuff any more. We just get the food out of the freezer and put it in the microwave." Penn athletic director Steve Bilsky commented, "The entire Penn community is pleased with the Donahue hire. We don't know what we were thinking when we passed him up for Glenn Miller four years ago. Donahue did hold out for more money than we had originally budgeted, but luckily some Wharton alums who made all of their money selling "AAA-rated" securities to Cornell's CIO James Walsh came through for us." When asked for a comment, Andy Noel, Cornell's athletic director shrugged his shoulders, saying, "Good for Steve. Cornell has never been a basketball school. Never has been, never will. I mean, just compare the Palestra to Newman Arena. Newman looks like a high school gym. But just tell me this: Why doesn't Penn have a hockey team? Or its own wrestling center?" As for Cornell basketball's future, there have been unconfirmed reports that Ryan Wittman and Louis Dale are being interviewed for the head coaching position.
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