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Contract Colleges To Close

MetaEzra can now confirm reports coming out of Albany, amidst the record budget cuts that the state has had to make, that Cornell will no longer be receiving any support for the contract colleges -- Vet, Ag, Human Ecology, and ILR -- from the state. As a result, Cornell will close those four colleges once the Class of 2015 has graduated.

Per the University's financial plan, New York State appropriated over $145MM to Cornell last year.

When pressed for comment, Nancy Zimpher, Chancellor of the SUNY system, stated that, "This will be a better deal for New York State taxpayers in the long run. Those four colleges have done little for the state over the last century except educate a bunch of arrogant Long Islanders who didn't want to be in Ithaca anyway. And if they're still interested in discounted tuition via the state, they can always attend Stony Brook."

Meanwhile, over a lengthy phone call in Day Hall, University Provost Kent Fuchs couldn't constrain his glee. "This is great," he said. "For too long this University has been bogged down by the notion that we should be educating any hick Upstate New York farmboy in any of his quasi-academic pursuits. What the hell is 'communication' anyway? In the past we've had to cut a critical program in Dutch literature -- something that any Ivy League education must have -- to help support their studies in agricultural machinery. I look forward to fully re-funding our Dutch program now that the state has saved us from having to pretend that we're interested in things like textile design and human resources management."

This announcement obviously raises a lot of questions, not the least of which is what will happen to all of the buildings that the contract colleges use. When pressed on this issue, Fuchs suggested that a lot of the animal stalls in the Ag and Vet schools would make for 'lovely squash court conversions'. No doubt to serve the real Ivy League students.

Matthew Nagowski | Posted on April 01, 2011 (#)

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