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An Ivy Dialogue

Somewhere in Day Halll a phone rings. Cornell picks up. A conversation ensues:

Harvard: You are giving athletes more money than you should.

Cornell: But we're not giving as much as you, so what's the problem?

Harvard: But you're giving athletes too much financial aid relative to other students.

Cornell: We're giving all students the same level of aid, just differing the level of loans versus grants. And we're also offering more grant aid to under-represented minorities and world-class oboe players. This is a good thing, because it means that more students will be able to afford a Cornellian education in all sorts of great subjects -- like human development, architecture, plant science, hotel management, horticulture -- that you don't offer.

Harvard: Yes. But you can't do that.

Cornell: Why not?

Harvard: Because we said so. Because we're Harvard.

Cornell: But you're still giving all of your students a lot more money to attend Harvard than we are to attend Cornell.

Harvard: Yes. But we can do that. Because we're Harvard.

Cornell: But you pay your coaches twice as much as we do and offer your students all sorts of perks, like trips to Europe, that we can't offer to most teams.

Harvard: Right. As we said: We're Harvard. We have the arrogance of Larry Summers and more resources than most sub-Saharan countries.

Cornell: But apparently you still can't pull together a winning season in hockey, and need to stoop to recruiting violations to win in basketball.

Harvard: Don't you realize who you are talking to?

Matthew Nagowski | Posted on January 04, 2010 (#)

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