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Cornell To Drop Out of Ivy League!!!

In a breathtaking development, MetaEzra can now confirm that Cornell will no longer be a part of the Ivy League, effective the 2010-2011 academic year. After close to sixty years as a member of the Ancient Eight, Cornell will join the Atlantic Coast Conference, which includes such schools as Maryland, Duke, Boston College, UNC, and Clemson.

In email correspondence with the editors, Andy Noel, Director of Big Red Athletics, claims that "This was something that we have been considering for a long time. After Harvard, Princeton, and Yale basically started offering free tuition to their athletes, we knew we couldn't compete with them in terms of athletic recruiting. But the breaking point came with our NCAA tournament losses to Stanford and UConn. The faculty, students, and alumni of this University will just not tolerate those types of losses again, so we're going to need to start offering athletic scholarships.

It's yet to be seen who will fill Cornell's role in the Group of Eight, but sources at Harvard and Yale are telling our editors that it is likely to be either Rutgers or SUNY-Stony Brook. Apparently they want to ensure that their fans will continue to have one team to taunt with chants of "State School".

When reached for comment, Junior All-American Max Siebald, captain of the Men's Lacrosse team, was elated. "This is great," he said, "Now we won't have to worry about playing six meaningless games each year where we automatically know we are going to beat every other team in the Ivy League. Playing Duke, Maryland, Virginia, UNC, and North Carolina every year is a much more preferable option for our lacrosse program."

Matthew Nagowski | Posted on April 01, 2008 (#)

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